Who would have guessed Fatman would actually be bad

When you hear an idea as bad as Fatman, it most likely means the movie will actually be good.

Nope.

My opening statement there might seem counterintuitive, but go with me. Movie ideas that strike you as bad, on the surface, are lucky to have made it as far as they did. They usually do because the writer, director and actors managed to make something good out of what sounds like a horrible idea. Like, the idea of a guy who befriends a farting corpse should be so dead in the water, it might not even get financing. Yet the result was Swiss Army Man, which made my top ten of that year.

Fatman had similiar counterintuitive promise. When you're casting Mel Gibson, a pariah in many parts, as Santa Claus, you are already off to a difficult start. However, at least that does prepare you for what to expect from the movie -- not something with a traditional sense of holiday cheer. (Though it should be said, Gibson did appear in the more conventionally uplifting holiday-themed Daddy's Home 2 a few years back.)

Even with avenging angel Gibson on board, though, the idea of a hitman trying to take out Santa Claus is a pretty far bridge to cross for most people. It wouldn't be the first dark Christmas movie, but it's not making any further converts among people who already have a bone to pick with Gibson. Chances are, many of the nice people who don't like Gibson also don't like movies where someone is trying to kill Santa Claus.

Even if this movie is not for them, Fatman had the chance to succeed with the grittier elements of a holiday themed movie intended for an audience with more of a stomach for crime movies and violence. It does not. Becuase directors Eshom and Ian Nelms don't commit to that tone either. This movie has elves, and though they are not four feet tall, they are dressed up like elves, with funny noses and ears. You'll be glad to know that the Nelmses at least had the good sense not to have a lot of cute elves getting caught in the crossfire.

I could go into the many more ways this movie doesn't work -- including Santa coming to issue dire threats to the shitty young boy who hired the hitman -- but really, I don't have the energy. I will say that I have a very strong stomach for anything in a movie, and this did not come close to testing it. But there were any number of moments when I grimaced because I just thought it was unpleasant. 

The final indignity -- or perhaps the first indignity -- of the movie is its title. "Fat" has become an increasingly cruel adjective over the years, as we've realized it makes us all a bit of a playground bully if we use it on another person. Santa Claus is probably one of the only characters you can get away with calling fat, because it's a defining trait, but even classic Christmas material unencumbered by political correctness shies away from the f-word, preferring kinder synonyms.

What's even more problematic about it is that in the film, Gibson is not fat. There's a weird kind of reversal to what they do when an actress gets pregnant on a TV show but they haven't written the pregnancy into her character. Whereas they shoot her from the chest up to hide the fact that her stomach is bulging, they shoot Gibson from the chest up to hide the fact that his isn't. 

I guess they thought the idea of a Santa Claus who shoots beer cans off of fences in his backyard would be even more ridiculous with a big Santa-like belly. But why the Nelms brothers consider that the moment they'll try to adhere to some consistency of tone is anybody's guess. 

So yeah, Fatman was not the ideal movie for me to watch on the night we put up our Christmas tree, to ring in the holiday. Then again, it probably would not have been the ideal movie for me to watch under any circumstances.