Friday, January 27, 2023

2022 in portmanteaus

Welcome to another edition of the year in portmanteaus, a tradition nearly ten years in the running, with movie titles from the previous year smashed together to make a crazy new movie, and bad artwork to accompany it.

Moon Fall - Two stranded climbers catch a ride down to terra firma when the moon passes them on its collision course with earth. 

Moonfall Daydream - What turns out to be David Bowie's final concert is interrupted by the moon crashing through the roof of the stadium. 

The Batman from Toronto - The story of a polite vigilante who fights crime north of the border, eh?

Don't Worry Dumbledore - Albus Dumbledore learns that Hogwarts is actually the end result of a mysterious project spearheaded by Chris Pine.

Raymond & Prey - Ethan Hawke conscripts a Comanche warrior to help bury his shitty father. 

Enola Holmes Team - Sherlock's little sister really tries to step out of his shadow by coaching a high school football team. 

Thor: Love and The Wonder - Jane Foster transforms into the Mighty Thor after starving herself for 40 days in a rural Irish village. 

I Love My Crawdads - A father crawdad catfishes his son to spend more time with him, both get confused about their aquatic life metaphors. 

Stutz 666 - Jonah Hill is surprised when his therapist's eyes turn red and he starts playing devil worship heavy metal. 

Avatar: The Way of Wakanda Forever - The Na'vi and the Talokans fight it out underwater to see whether unobtanium or vibranium is better. 

Babylonbarian - Damien Chazelle and Zach Cregger fight it out in the multiplexes to see who can make the more batshit movie. 

Avatar: The Way of Deep Water - Neytiri openly tries to make Jake Sully jealous by inserting her ponytail in all sorts of open receptacles around Pandora. 

Mavatar - Tom Cruise insisted on actually transforming himself into a Na'vi to make this more believable. 

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madea - In an alternate universe, Madea is played by Martin Lawrence.

Marcelvis - Of course, the small mollusk prefers his shoes to be of the blue suede variety. 

Everything Everywhere Bones and All at Once - Michelle Yeoh jumps to the universe where she's a cannibal, uses those skills to eat Jamie Lee Curtis. 

Is That Black Adam Enough for You?!? - Apparently, owning Black Adam wasn't Black Adam enough for me, as I still did not watch it before my ranking deadline. 

Wendell & Weird - Al Yankovic and a demon voiced by Keegan-Michael Key sustain themselves on magical hair growth cream and song parodies. 

Our Father Stu - A reformed criminal who becomes a priest and then a fertility doctor returns to a life of crime when he starts mixing in his own samples. 

The Banshee Said - Harvey Weinstein wants to know what possible reason there could be for Brendan Gleeson no longer liking him. 

Death on the Lyle - It turns out the singing crocodile was dangerous after all. 

The Unbearable Weight of Massive Tar - Nicolas Cage hides out on a Spanish island after his career as a world-renowned conductor comes crashing down. 

Glass Onion: All the Old Knives - Spies double-crossing each other, rich people double-crossing each other ... it's all the same thing. 

Turning Seriously Red - A Dolly Parton impersonator turned into two red pandas when she was a teen, and they were a metaphor for something else entirely. 

Three Thousand Lightyears of Longing - Even a genie can't get that damn hyperspace fuel crystal to work. 

The Woman Kimi - An agoraphobic African tribeswoman overhears British invaders being killed in her 18th century version of Siri. 

The Men-u - Rich people are served a bespoke dinner prepared entirely by chefs who look like Rory Kinnear. 

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