I had first considered watching it on the night before I left for America, the night of its release, before thinking better of it. Especially considering that this was my family reunion we were attending, I thought it best not to skip out for three hours (including commute) on the night before we left just so I could try to review it, leaving my wife with all the last-minute packing details and wrangling of the kids' packing. It's one of those things you have to accept passive credit for having done, but I'm sure my wife would appreciate it if she knew I'd thought better of it. Of course, she'll never know.
Then there was an easy opportunity for me to see it one of the nights in Atlanta before we got to the lake, at a theater that was near where we were staying. Smarter heads prevailed for a similar reason, and at that point I dropped the notion of reviewing it.
Then if it had been raining one of the days at the lake, as we had been told it might, my cousin actually mentioned the idea of seeing it. It only rained for a single hour on two different days, so lake time obviously took priority.
Well, I'm glad I didn't get to see it in time to meet my own standards for how soon we must review it after its release, because I thought it sucked.
This, unfortunately, gives me something in common with MAGA.
We all know MAGA hated this movie sight unseen as soon as director James Gunn described it as an immigrant story. It was going to be the latest in a line of movies they tried to kill, with varying levels of success, because it was "too woke," joining titles like the 2016 Ghostbusters, Captain Marvel and The Little Mermaid. All female-fronted movies, until this one. Go figure.
But I don't dislike Superman because it's "going woke." I think you should know that about me by now.
No, I just dislike it because it sucks.
I thought about launching into an extended rant about all the things in Superman that don't work -- which, if I'm being honest, is almost all the things in Superman. But again to be honest, I'm just too tired after staying up until 1 a.m., and then heading back into the city for work for the second day in a row, only three days after returning from an international trip where I was not even on the ground long enough to fully recover from my jet lag going in the other direction.
So instead, I'm just going to share my back-and-forth with a friend in L.A. -- let's call him "Paul" -- on Facebook Messenger, after getting out of the theater last night.
"Paul" was the first person I heard about who didn't like Superman, when he posted his reaction on Facebook -- and then, subsequently, kind of the only one. I thought "Paul" must be crazy. "Paul" was not crazy.
Forthwith, excluding all the various heart and laugh emojis that were provided:
Me: Ugh I couldn't agree with you more on Superman.
Paul: Oh thank God!!!!!
Me: It was so unpleasant to watch. All the jokes fell flat. I didn't like any of the performances. Just a total miss.
Paul: 100%. A complete disaster.
I hated the dog.
Me: Me too!
Nicholas Hoult as Lex Luthor was not fun at all. Gene Hackman is rolling over in his grave. Jeez even Zack Snyder is rolling over in his grave. Which is hard to do when you're still alive.
It's probably not worse than Superman IV.
Paul: Oh ... Supe IV is another level of terrible.
Me: Yeah
I'm also not sold on this Rachel Brosnahan. In another of my worst of the year so far (The Amateur).
Paul: Hated:
Krypton parents want him to fuck everyone and take over Earth?
Earth parents are dumb country bumpkins?
Too many characters, and superheroes. Just make a Superman movie.
Superman gets his ass kicked the whole time.
It's overstuffed, especially the 3rd act.
Jimmy Olson is hitting Lex's GF on the side, but he doesn't even like her?
Me: Yes his constant ass kicking was terrible. I like Pruitt Taylor Vince and his nastigmas (sp?) but not here. Also the extended argument during the interview? Unbearable!
(Reply to) Jimmy Olson is hitting Lex's GF on the side, but he doesn't even like her? Oh my God, CUT IT.
Paul: Lois flies a space ship cause Mr. Terrific says it's very intuitive??
Me: Also that "engineer" was just a weak sauce T-1000.
Paul: Yes ... that's exactly what I started calling her.
Me: I have to go watch The Suicide Squad a hundred times just to purge this from my memory.
Paul: My biggest issue was that everyone loved it. WHAT??
Me: I know. Except MAGA, who hate it for entirely different reasons. The enemy of my enemy is my friend?
Paul: No ... still my enemy!
Me: No doubt. Okay I'm going to bed, fun ranting with you.
Paul: One last thing. Supergirl is a drunk sorority girl???
Me: No
One more thing: "I just thought she was sending me sexy selfies. I guess I didn't realize that every sexy selfie was taken in front of a map, blueprint or encoded message. Some journalist I am! Good thing Lex didn't notice!"
We resumed a little bit this morning but it tapered off at that point.
I so wish MAGA could have been wrong about this movie. Instead they are just right for the wrong reasons.
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