Now, I don't want to sacrifice my cherished objectivity as a film critic. So officially, I would come in to Melania ready to give it a fair shake. And unofficially, I think that if I somehow actually liked the film, I would be willing to tell you that, and give it a corresponding star rating on Letterboxd and position in my in-progress 2026 film rankings.
But come on. There are certain films that we can't really hold to the same standard as other films. Films made entirely for grift-related reasons, shining the light on people we can all agree are vapid and vacuous -- and yes, I believe that opinion probably extends to actual Trump supporters -- disqualify themselves from the benefit of the doubt you ordinarily give to filmmakers, whose intentions you assume to be earnest, and whose output you believe to be the result of a true belief in the thing they are trying to make.
It would be reasonable to potentially be afraid of watching Melania, for fear that I might actually like it and might not be capable of shitting on it. But I don't fear that. I can't really envision a world where I could give Melania any more than 2.5 stars out of five on Letterboxd, and even that is highly unlikely.
But the movie is now available on Amazon Prime. It probably was about two weeks after it was in theaters. But I only just noticed it this week, which is why I am writing this post now. So I can watch it any time I want.
No, the only reason I'm worried about watching Melania is that I don't want Donald Trump to take a victory lap over the fact that I watched it.
Realistically, Trump will never know that I, an American film critic transplanted to Australia, a blogger who calls himself Vance based on his former blog handle and a nickname his friend gave him from a Monty Python skit, watched Melania, unless he reads this blog post. And while I don't put it past Trump to read anything that is in any way about him, there's just too much content out there. He doesn't have the time.
But if he did read it, that would be a good thing, because he'd know I watched the movie just to take the piss out of him and his vacuous, vapid wife.
If he doesn't read it, he'll just see one more viewing added to the view count, and he'll pump his fist in the victory of having contributed something people want to watch to the world of cinema, about his inherently fascinating wife.
Don't think Trump doesn't know the view count. Streamers don't like to share their streaming data, but that doesn't apply to someone like Trump and a streamer like Amazon, which is purposefully kissing up to the sitting president. Even if Jeff Bezos weren't politically aligned with Trump, he's the kind of shitstain who would work every angle to his advantage with a venal U.S. president, milk whatever favors he could out of him -- especially an even bigger shitstain like Trump, who practically has an "open for business" sign staked into the White House lawn.
So yeah, Bezos is sending Trump the view counts of Melania. Bet on it.
I don't want that count to tick up by even one just because I deigned to watch this movie.
The thing is, I've heard it's not even a good howler. Probably at most it is boring and silly. I doubt it commits any major gaffes. Brett Ratner is a reasonably competent filmmaker and I'm sure he -- also politically aligned with Trump -- did whatever he could to make sure Melania was beyond reproach, at least in people's ability to pick it apart on the fundamental level of its presentability.
The other thing is, though, I like to see movies that are in the zeitgeist, and there may be fewer movies in early 2026 more zeitgeisty than this. Hey, movies aren't in the zeitgeist only for positive reasons.
So I will probably watch it. Probably sooner rather than later.
And I'll just have to hope Trump, in his heart of hearts, knows that my +1 on the view count is because I despise him and his inner circle and I am eager to subsequently dump steaming piles of shit on him through the platform of my own particular professional expertise.
Unfortunately, now that I've written this post, I'm probably less likely to do that, lest I commit a different sort of Trump-related sin -- giving him too much attention.
When no attention is bad attention, you really can't win.
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