Friday, January 25, 2019

2018 in portmanteaus

Another year, another post of wacky new movie titles that result from the joining of common words, parts of words or rhyming sounds in the titles of two separate films!

That's what a portmanteau is, though it's usually something like "brunch" or "Brexit" and not the unholy commingling of two 2018 movies.

However, I'm a movie blog and right now I've got 2018 movies on the brain. Hope you enjoy what that brain has concocted.

First Man and the Wasp - In a giant leap for insectkind, Hope Pym stows away on the Apollo 11 and buzzes past Neil and Buzz down to the moon's surface.

Ralph Breaks the Incredibles - Bob, Helen, Violet, Dash and Jack Jack meet their match in a clingy lunkhead who attaches to them like a virus.

If Bumblebee Could Talk - Upon moving to New Orleans, the yellow transformer starts speaking in only Louis Armstrong trumpet blasts.

Don't Worry, He Won't Get Far on Small Foot - Concerning the perils of trying to ride a yeti like a horse. They don't like that.

The Death Wish of Stalin - After his family is killed in a break-in, Joseph Stalin decides to murder 20 million of his own people.

Madeline's Magdalene - An unstable improv student refuses to stop playing the role of Jesus' 13th apostle.

The Chappaquiddicktime Murders - Ted Kennedy is wanted for driving his car off a bridge and drowning a bunch of muppets.

Suspiria: Day of the Soldado - Mexican drug cartels start smuggling drugs in the body cavities of dancing witches.

A Simple Favourite - Queen Anne drinks her martinis in one gulp underneath a painting of her own vagina.

Mary Poppins Queen of Scots - About the rivalry between Mary Poppins and Nanny McPhee that results in the former's beheading.

Mom and Dad! Here We Go Again - Parents kill their own children while singing ABBA songs.

Crazy Rich Annihilations - The shimmer hits Singapore, causing the 1% to fuse biologically with their priceless jewelry.

Ocean's Eighth Grade - A group of 14-year-olds ruin their plan to steal a diamond necklace by posting about it on YouTube.

Grinchester - An old green grump realizes he hates Christmas because he is being haunted by the ghosts of shotgun victims past.

When We First Reformed - A pastor repeatedly goes back in time in a magic photobooth to try to save Earth from environmental destruction.

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Vice - In one of the alternate universes, Dick Cheney thinks he's the only Spider-Man.

Three Identical Strangers: Prey at Night - Realizing they were separated at birth, triplets don masks and terrorize the occupants of a deserted trailer park.

Solo: A Star is Born - Lady Gaga decides she's more successful without a duet partner, rechristens herself "Solo" because she "doesn't have any people."

BlacKkKlanther - Ron Stallworth infiltrates Wakanda, reports back on whether they are trying to revolutionize science.

You Were Never Really Hereditary - A damaged loner saves a young girl from her grandmother's malevolent forces, revealing that her brother was the target all along.


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