Zenyatta Mondatta

... is the name of a 1980 studio album by The Police. It's the one that contains the songs "Don't Stand So Close to Me" and "De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da."

It's also all I can think of when I see the name of the actress who plays Peter Parker's love interest in the Spider-Man movies.

Her actual name is Zendaya, but you can appreciate why it would remind me of the album.

I'm also here to say that I'm not sure I understand why they are trying to make Zendaya happen.

I'll say it: She has no charisma.

Does she look the part? Yeah. She's cute and I could see that a person with her looks should be a star. Bonus points for the ethnic diversity she brings to a major tentpole franchise (her father is African-American and her mother is of German-Scottish ancestry).

But can she act? Not really. And does she have charisma? No, she does not have charisma.

It pains me to say it because I really like what Zendaya represents. But the actual Zendaya? She has all the presence of a dead flounder. She has no pizzazz.

I think there are expectations placed on her of a certain type of personality transcendence based on the fact that she uses only a single-name moniker. You feel like that kind of thing should be reserved only for people who are truly rising above and beyond, like Cher, Prince, Madonna and ... McG.

Of course, you have to choose your name before you know whether you will attain that type of success. You have to put the cart before the horse a bit. Sometimes you don't become Prince. Sometimes you become ... McG.

Zendaya is no McG, at least not yet. And I suppose the admittedly exotic Zendaya, her given birth name, comes back to earth a bit if she decides to go by her full birth name: Zendaya Coleman. Or her really full birth name: Zendaya Maree Stoermer Coleman.

But she's come nowhere near justifying the single-name moniker, and one wonders whether it was ever a logical way to go with her. She is not naturally an effusive performer, not naturally a big personality. She might be as a singer -- she does that too, which is probably in part why she chose the name. But it's not her acting style. And I really doubt it is her singing style either.

I'll pause to note that one of the reasons the "Zendaya is Meechee" meme caught on so fully is that it was a secret takedown of Zendaya and her moniker. The guy who made it would scarcely admit this, but Zendaya the name of an actress is just as silly as Meechee the name of a Smallfoot character. Put them together and bam! Comedy gold. You can and certainly should appreciate it on the level of surface silliness, but I think deep down there's a criticism of Zendaya's lack of a last name, like she hadn't earned it.

Maybe she could have gone the route of Beyonce. Everyone knows Beyonce only by a single name now, but everyone also knows Beyonce's last name (Knowles) because that's how she was credited for a good decade of her career. Once she transcended, she was ready for single-moniker status.

Zendaya's been pretty much a zero for me in both Spider-Man movies, though I will admit to a fondness for how she plays the best scene in The Greatest Showman, the one where she and Zac Efron swing around and serenade each other. It may not exactly be charisma she demonstrates in that scene, and the success of the scene may have more to do with the song and the choreography. But she certainly has more chemistry with Efron than she does with Tom Holland, wonderful though he is. It's enough to get swept up in that moment.

Other than that? Not so much.

I mean, she's only 22, and there are plenty of eventual good actresses/charismatic stars who have learned on the job. But if you are someone with a vaguely self-aggrandizing stage moniker who crosses over to the screen, better to really show us some spark, like Lady Gaga did in A Star is Born.

Either that or I'll never be able to distinguish you from a Police album.