Our Marriage Story

I had my qualms about watching Marriage Story with my wife.

I didn't think it would be an issue, as we rarely watch movies together anymore. She prefers peak TV and I'm still the loyal cinephile. But I still yearn for the opportunity to see things with her, so when she expresses an interest, I go for it.

But why did it have to be Marriage Story?

My wife and I have a good marriage. But even good marriages are vulnerable to strain, to periods of chaos and lack of fulfillment, to vague anxieties about whether the other person is harboring secret desires to leave and not telling you about them. Even in good marriages, you don't want the other person getting any ideas from a movie like Marriage Story.

And it's been a period of a bit of strain this holiday season. My wife had her wisdom teeth removed last Tuesday, the best among a bunch of bad choices in the timing of such a procedure. She would have had them out a month or two ago, but I had to make that surprise trip to the U.S., and then things got busy.

The recovery hasn't been smooth, as she is in a lot of pain. That has nothing to do with me, but when your spouse is shirty with you (to use an Australian term I love), you don't necessarily chalk it up to the fact that he or she is suffering physical pain. On some level you realize it, but on another, you think you might just be a shit spouse, and all your inadequacies are finally too much for the other person to handle.

So if I didn't have to watch Marriage Story with my wife, I secretly thought it would probably be a good thing.

To use a word intentionally chosen for its fraught quality, I gave her an ultimatum about Marriage Story. I needed to watch it either Monday or Tuesday night, as I did not anticipate having any other opportunities before we record our year-end podcast on Friday night. I needed to give it the chance to make my top five, or at least the top five I plan to reveal in that podcast, which will only be a rough draft before my January 13th deadline when I post my complete list on this blog.

She passed on Monday night. I went Christmas shopping that night.

She looked like she was going to pass on Tuesday, and I was going to sit down to watch it. Then at the last minute, she told me she'd start watching while we ate our dinner, expecting to peel away at a certain point, especially since the movie is well in excess of two hours.

She watched the whole thing.

And while there were certainly parts where we undoubtedly both thought "I do that" or "he does that" or "she does that" -- depending on who was doing the thinking -- there weren't any of the really uncomfortable moments, really awkward moments, I was fearing.

Afterward, we delved straight into an engaging discussion about the film's strengths and weaknesses, the kind we used to have when we watched a movie or two together a week. I was glad to see that we both felt the story had not done Scarlett Johansson's character any favors, but that we both quite liked the film anyway. We talked about it as a film for ten minutes, and none of our discussion had to do with who leaves the toilet seat up, the toothpaste cap off, or their partner feeling unsupported. It was just a good old-fashioned sharing of thoughts on a piece of art.

A few minutes later, in the kitchen, she was looking for a cover for a tupperware container. She'd already committed to it by putting the food in, and the last thing you want to do at that point is switch containers because you can't find the lid.

I happened to know that I had used the same-sized container earlier in the evening for a half-finished block of cheese, which didn't require it. I fished that container out of the fridge and passed the top over to her. She smiled.

"See, this is our Marriage Story," she said. "Now we don't need to get divorced."

It was a lovely moment. It tacitly acknowledged how a movie like Marriage Story has "dangerous themes." It also tacitly acknowledged that they are no danger to us.

As long as you keep getting tupperware lids for your partner, metaphorically speaking, that marriage can last.