The disappointment of a good night's sleep

When selecting my cinematic accompaniment to carving my annual jack o’lantern, I’ve tried two different strategies in the past. One is to watch a horror movie I do not expect to be very good, so little will be lost by watching with the lights on and my attention distracted. Another is to watch something I’ve already seen, even if it’s scary, as the best scares are always going to come on the initial viewing, when you don’t know what’s coming.

Last night I went with the second choice, that being Rodney Ascher’s 2015 documentary The Nightmare, which I first watched almost exactly four years ago under similar circumstances. Well, they were similar in terms of being Halloween-themed viewing, though that time we watched it on Halloween night itself (which you can read about in this post). Four years on, it made for an acceptable pumpkin-carving activity, where I wouldn’t necessarily catch every single moment, and where the light would inevitably be on. (To make it a really scary Halloween, I suppose I could cut my hand open using a knife in the dark.)

Well, I was still scared with the lights on.

I won’t go into detail on Ascher’s movie – if you want that, follow the link to the previous post above. But I will tell you that it’s a documentary that concerns the phenomenon of sleep paralysis, a kind of lucid dreaming where the dreamer believes he or she is still awake, and there are evil presences moving around in their room, standing over them, sometimes climbing on top of them. Try as they might, they can’t speak or move. And this can go on regularly for weeks, months, years, a lifetime. If the dream were taking place on the top of a mountain or home plate at Wrigley Field, it might be easier to rationally understand as a dream. But because the dream picks up seamlessly from where waking left off, it feels far more real.

And yes, even though this is a documentary, it’s one of the 25 scariest films I’ve ever seen.

The thing about the phenomenon is that people seem to be able to talk one another into having it. A character interviewed in the movie talked about having it happen after his girlfriend first told him about it, then there was another who passed it on to his own girlfriend. Likewise, it seemed possible to see the movie and then start having it happen to you.

That didn’t happen in 2015, even though I sort of hoped it would, but I thought there was a chance it would happen last night.

See, a couple nights ago I awoke with this intense sensation that I was about to die. Or more accurately, that the universe was about to end. It wasn’t just some narrative dream about The Big Crunch, but rather a distinct sensation that the molecules in my body were about to collapse into themselves into some kind of singularity. It was accompanied by this cold rushing sensation, like the characters in the movie liken to a feeling of death approaching. The visual focus of this moment was a little box in the corner of my bedroom ceiling that has a light that alternates between green and red. I think it’s a carbon monoxide detector but I’m not sure.

Anyway, it was incredibly vivid. I’m pretty sure I went right back to sleep, but the moment was not forgotten.

So I did wonder if, perchance, that recent occurrence was going to meld somehow with my second viewing of The Nightmare, and create an intense, white-knuckle sleep last night.

Instead what happened was that I awoke with a start two minutes before my alarm went off, sure I had overslept, and not remembering a single thing I had dreamed about.

Getting a good night’s sleep should not be disappointing, especially since I have a few stressful things going on in my life that have prevented me from getting many lately. But there is a little something disappointing about having my best night’s sleep in two weeks right after I watched a movie that should have scared the wits out of me.

Maybe it was having the lights on.

Oh, and if you’d like to see my jack o’lantern, here it is, followed by what it’s supposed to be:

You know, from the Black Mirror episode, and elsewhere in our meme culture.

Happy Halloween!

It's not great either way but ...

... I have to think that the Australian title for this C-grade animated movie:

... is a lot more distinctive/interesting than the American title for this C-grade animated movie:

I mean, we already had this, don't forget:

And besides, in that poster I also spot a bear, a fox, a moose, a penguin, an eagle, and some kind of ferret thingy.

Terminator tries again ... again

The cinematic landscape is littered with failed Terminator reboots.

Okay, there are only two. But if Terminator: Dark Fate does not do well, three could constitute a proper littering.

I can’t think of another series that reboots itself so frequently, that needs to reboot itself so frequently as a result of repeated failures. Spider-Man is an obvious answer, but in each case of Spider-Man rebooting, at least the initial reboot was a success. No Spider-Man series to date has had fewer than two films, and you don’t make a second film using the same actors unless the first one is a success, by whatever standards you measure that success.

I’m sure that each time Terminator has rebooted, they expected to make anywhere from two to five more movies in that timeline, but never have they been able to make a single one more.

At least with Terminator: Salvation – which, for the record, is the worst Terminator movie we’ve gotten – they tried to jump ahead into the future, Star Wars style. It was a clear continuation of the story that had been hinted at in the first three Terminator movies. I kind of think that’s the way to go. But it didn’t work. Boy, did it not work. A friend of mine and I still joke about the clumsiness of the “What are you???” scene. I won’t get into it now.

Then when Terminator Genisys came along in 2015, it was billed as a “true sequel” to Terminator 2, forgetting the fact that Terminator 3 had occurred at all. Okay fine, but some of us thought Rise of the Machines was actually good. Not many of us thought Terminator Genisys was very good, even with the return of Arnie and the potentially promising series debut of Emilia Clarke.

Now, if I’m not mistaken, Terminator: Dark Fate is also being billed as a true sequel to T2, and as proof has both Arnold Schwarzenegger and Linda Hamilton returning in front of the camera, and James Cameron behind it (as writer and producer, anyway). Even though any “true” sequel to T2 would know that Arnold Schwarzenegger was melted down and should not still be around, nor should he have whiskers on his face. (They’ll explain it in a satisfactory enough way I’m sure.)

As various Terminator re-interpreters blame the wrong victim, Terminator 3, we should probably also acknowledge that Terminator 3 itself was a reboot of sorts, as it came a full 12 years after the last movie and featured a different actor as John Connor. I’m sure Edward Furlong would have done it, but it wasn’t meant to take place 12 years after the last movie, so he would have been too old.  

Will this finally be the movie that gets it right? And if so, will it be just in time for the key performers to be way too old to keep making movies?

I’ve long since stopped trying to establish a reliable “use by” date for Schwarzenegger, and I kind of thought Hamilton’s had already passed, since I haven’t seen her in anything in ages. I guess I’ve just been looking in the wrong places, as she has approaching 20 credits in the past ten years. Point is, even at ages 63 and 72 they could probably be in three more Terminator movies each if that’s the way they want to go. And if not, they can try to make Mackenzie Davis the Rey of this series and launch off of her growing star power.

As cynical as I'm being about the history of these movies, though, I'm still as hopeful about the prospects for a new Terminator movie as I have ever been. Terminator 2: Judgment Day is still among my top 25 films of all time, and if a new movie can be even a third that good, it's worth showing up for. 

Which is Witch?

I’m usually pretty good at keeping different movie personalities straight, whether in front of the camera or behind.

But the confluence of three new(ish) young(ish) white men breaking through as horror directors in the past five years has thrown me for a loop a bit.

Those three men are Robert Eggers, Ari Aster and David Robert Mitchell, and the similarity may all be in my head. But bear with me.

The three came into our sphere of awareness in different years, but the fact that they’ve all had their follow-up to their breakout movie in the same year – this year – has kind of cemented their similarity in my head. Even though at least one of their follow-ups is not a horror movie. (Unsure about the third director’s follow-up as I haven’t seen it yet.)

Chronologically, the first to come on the scene was Mitchell, both in terms of his earlier films and also his breakout film. He’s also the oldest (45) and the one whose name I tend to forget because all three of his names are fairly indistinct in terms of the larger continuum of whitebread American names.

Mitchell grabbed our attention in 2014 with It Follows, which was the unlikely follow-up to a movie I still haven’t seen (but probably should), 2010’s The Myth of the American Sleepover. Suffice it to say that that one’s not a horror movie. Despite its flaws, It Follows really whetted our appetite for what Mitchell could do, and would do next.

Well, what he did next undoubtedly demonstrated a command of the language of cinema, but it was not a horror movie. Appropriately, it was also the first of the three follow-ups to come out this year, Under the Silver Lake. I admire that movie but boy is it tedious at times. I’m not sure how possible it is to like it, but it does present us a visual stylist at the top of his craft.

Next up was Eggers in 2015 with The Witch, or The VVitch, or however you want to write it. Although the subject matter is not at all similar to that of It Follows, I began to think of them in the same boat because they both represented new creative voices giving us something clearly outside of the standard way horror movies were being made by studios. And like It Follows, The Witch had significant flaws for a viewer to contend with, which similarly didn’t detract from the sense of being in the hands of a cinematic visionary. Eggers is also middle in age at 36, by the way.

Eggers’ follow-up to The Witch is the last of the three to be released, just this past week, which destroys a little of the nice chronological symmetry we had going. That’s The Lighthouse, the only one of the six films mentioned here that I have yet to see. Though I’m champing at the bit. It looks even weirder (in a good way, of course) than The Witch. I can’t find an Australian release date yet for that.

Then you have the prolific young prodigy, Ari Aster, who is only 33 and yet has now had buzzworthy horror opuses released in back to back years. Given the scope of the films he makes, it seems hard to believe that it was only last year that Hereditary came out. He followed it up this year with Midsommar, beating Eggers to the theater by a couple months. Both of Aster’s films can fairly be described as great, and both also have pronounced flaws. I see a pattern here.

I don’t actually have trouble remembering which guy directed which movie, though I do sometimes need to remind myself that it was Mitchell who started out with The Myth of the American Sleepover and not Eggers. If I’d seen that movie I’d probably recognize it as a lot more similar to the aesthetic of It Follows than The Witch, but I haven’t yet.

The point of this post is not really that I confuse them, but more, that we are living through an exciting period in which new horror names are regular presenting themselves as more than just any other studio hack. They’re coming with enough frequency that the possibility exists to confuse them. If we abandon my premise that I'm confusing them for one another, you could also mention Jennifer Kent, who has a similar career trajectory to date, having knocked our socks off in 2014 with The Babadook and then followed that up this year with The Nightingale – which could be characterized as a similar type of historical horror to the ones Eggers prefers. Then of course you’ve got Jordan Peele, who can’t be confused for the others in terms of his racial identity, but who has also had his sophomore horror film Us come out this year, following on the heels of 2017’s Get Out. He might be most similar in execution and aesthetic to Aster.

It is a rich time for horror indeed.

But it could be another white man who has me most excited, though we’ll have to wait until next year for his next. That’s Osgood Perkins, and a weekend rewatch of The Blackcoat’s Daughter – which has a release year of anywhere from 2015 to 2017 depending on festival/theatrical release – reminded me why I ranked it as my #3 movie of 2017. He’s also a bit different from the others as he had two movies come out practically on top of each other, the other being I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House. That one kind of went in one ear and out the other for me, but considering that I saw it before Blackcoat mesmerized me, I should probably watch it again. Perkins has Gretel & Hansel coming out in 2020, and I’m really excited for it.

Who are your favorite horror visionaries to come on the scene in the past five years?

A device viewing for a device type filmmaker

Most filmmakers will tell you that they would hate for you to watch their movie on a "device." You know, a phone, an iPad, a Kindle Fire, a Google Glass, what have you. Of course, a TV is also a "device" but I don't think they're getting that technical.

Steven Soderbergh is not most filmmakers.

Oh, he probably still subscribes to the general notion that the big screen is the best place to see the thoughtfully composed output of a talented director. But his creative choices have meant that he's virtually forfeited any sense of indignation if you were to choose to watch his movie on, I don't know, a postage stamp.

It was, then, very appropriate that I watched his new movie The Laundromat -- half of it, anyway -- on my phone while waiting at the doctor's.

"So what's the big deal, Vance? You watched a movie on a phone. I do that all the time."

It's a big deal because I don't. It's not because of the size; it's because of the data.

Back when my iPod still worked, I was happy to download a movie to it and watch it, though I would try not to watch anything I cared too much about, visually. Still, one of the last movies I watched before it died, Robert Zemeckis' Allied, would certainly be considered the aforementioned "thoughtfully composed output of a talented director."

My phone has been a replacement for my iPod in many respects; it's where I now listen to my podcasts, for example. But I haven't been loading movies on there, in part because I seem to always be on the verge of running out of space just from my photos and videos, but in part because I still primarily rent movies using iTunes, even though I don't now have an iPod. I don't think they would work on my android phone.

I have a Netflix app, but streaming (outside of a WiFi connection) was not much of an option because of the inordinate amount of data it seemed to consume.

Until recently, when I noticed, you know what? It really isn't consuming that much data.

Only a year ago I hesitated to watch even ten minutes of a baseball game on my phone because of how much data (like a gig) it seemed to consume. But it's not doing that anymore. (I'm not questioning it.) And I may be out of the country for part of my current data period, so on Friday, I decided to chance it.

The Laundromat, Soderbergh's new film, seems to have only just been dropped. Especially given my less-than-tepid feelings about his first 2019 film, High Flying Bird, I was more than willing to "ruin" the viewing by watching it on my phone. He "ruined" High Flying Bird by shooting it on a phone, or more accurately, by feeling so liberated by the ability to shoot on a phone that he set the camera up in a bunch of stupid spots that just called attention to themselves, and violated about every major rule of narrative filmmaking, just because he could. (But let's face it, the script wasn't there either.) (And let's not laugh too hard over the fact that the guy who announced his retirement like four years ago has made four more films, and now two in one year.)

I mightn't have even considered a movie while waiting for the doctor except you can wait for the doctor a really long time here. That comes with the territory when your health insurance is free. I think last time I waited nearly two hours. This 96-minute movie was a good candidate to cover most of that, and not break the data bank either.

Well, imagine my surprise when a) I got called in after 45 minutes, and b) I was disappointed by that fact, because I hated to abandon The Laundromat.

The first half of this movie was about my favorite movie of the year. It's Soderbergh trying to crack open the intricate web of financial chicanery that protects rich people from paying taxes by putting their money in shell companies that are housed on tropical islands. It's also Soderbergh demonstrating a more playful side than we've seen recently, as the film is basically narrated by two of these sharks, played by Antonio Banderas and Gary Oldman (doing a German accent). They guide us through what it all means like Margot Robbie and others did in The Big Short, and they seem to be having a heckuva time.

However, the film also has one of Meryl Streep's best performances in the past five years, which for her is saying something. She plays a pre-senility grandmother who loses her husband when the tour boat they're on capsizes, and she gets caught in the aforementioned intricate web upon trying to collect on an insurance settlement. She finds that this company bought that company and that company invalidated the policy for this policyholder for that legal fine print reason. This first half is both comic and horrifying, and is scarily plausible.

The second half is not quite as good, so it's not my favorite movie of the year. But it finishes strong, and I may watch it again before the year is up.

Of course, since I only had a chance to watch half of it on my phone (eating up somewhere around .5 GB), it wasn't the full device viewing I promised in the subject of this post.

And since this movie wasn't shot on a phone, it looked like a normal movie. Which is to say, it may ironically may me think twice about watching Soderbergh's next movie this way.

Audient Audit: Heartbeeps

This is the tenth in my 2019 monthly series Audient Audit, in which I review my books to see if I've cooked them to include movies I haven’t seen.

When I’ve gone through my various movie lists and through Flickchart, there have been two movies I think of interchangeably, neither of which I’m sure I’ve seen. One has been Steve Barron’s Electric Dreams from 1984, and one has been Allan Arkush’s Heartbeeps from 1981. They do both feature artificial intelligence, but maybe the most salient common element was that I wasn’t sure either belonged on my lists.

Well, I should no longer confuse them, at least, and can now be certain I've seen at least one of them.

I was a bit bemused to find Heartbeeps available for easy download on iTunes. It seemed like the type of the movie that should have passed into general obscurity, no longer available for an audience that no longer cares about finding it. But there it was, along with a couple other randos from the same time period that I also considered for October, such as D.C. Cab and Unfaithfully Yours. I would have preferred Solarbabies, but that indeed has passed on to the Great Obscure. (And since I have plans for the last two months of this series, D.C. Cab and Unfaithfully Yours will have to wait indefinitely for their time of reckoning.)

Heartbeeps carried a fair bit of promise for something kind of outrageous and campy, plus it has a bit of genuine interest for comedy fans, as it stars Andy Kaufman. (And Bernadette Peters, a talented comic actress, but not someone whose presence alone would draw me to a movie.) I soon discovered it also features Randy Quaid and Dick Miller.

The story involves two malfunctioning service robots who fall in love on the shelves of the factor where they are waiting to be repaired. He’s Val Com 17485, a valet, and she’s Aqua Com 89045, who assists at poolside parties. They are naturally dutiful robots without a sense of rebellion, but they do effectively rebel by deciding to steal a company van to go investigate some trees they see off in the distance. They are accompanied by the robot version of Rodney Dangerfield, who smokes a cigar and adjusts his tie while telling bad Borscht Belt one-liners. On their way they make a small helper robot out of spare parts, who is effectively their child. They’re running from the hapless employees who let them escape on their watch and a proto Robocop who hasn’t figured out how to distinguish between criminals and parents pushing strollers. But their biggest antagonist may be the limited life of their batteries.

Heartbeeps is both better than I thought it would be and not as satisfying as I thought it would be. I had it in my head that it would be really weird, but it’s not that weird. Within its world it presents us a fairly straightforward road trip movie. Kaufman and Peters both commit to their roles and they have a really sweet chemistry.

My favorite part might have been the Rodney Dangerfield robot, though I should say he’s not voiced by Rodney Dangerfield. In fact, I told at least two of his one-liners to my kids, who appreciated them.

The thing that made me certain I had in fact seen it, though, was that I had a clear memory of two scenes, at opposite ends of the movie: the two main robots standing on the shelves and engaging in their innocent robotic banter, and the scene of them running out of batteries at the end (spoiler alert). Although the movie does not have particularly deep thoughts on its mind, there’s something kind of moving about its contemplations on mortality. These robots have become so advanced over the course of this film that it seems tragic to ponder their basic mechanical limitations, which undercut their evident humanity. Of course, that’s not the actual ending, which is far cheerier (spoiler alert).

I also enjoyed the confused police robot, which gets trapped in logical loops that it cannot reconcile and goes haywire. It might not be up to the Robocop level of satire, but there’s some funny stuff going on here with a dangerous robot who has the intellect of a child proud of the shiny silver badge he’s wearing.

It does seem like a bit of a strange role for Kaufman, though he may have taken it as a challenge. That consummate outside-the-box performer boxes himself in big time by acting within the confines of a pre-programmed machine, albeit one that is consistently breaking free of its own limitations. He gives an entertaining performance, but it’s probably not the one you would recommend to someone in search of “the real Andy Kaufman.”

Okay! Two more months to go before I put away my auditor’s pencil and transparent visor for good.

Coincidences/observations from a birthday weekend with Kristen Wiig

Kristen Wiig was in the first movie I watched for my birthday weekend away at the hotel.

She was also in the last.

Plus two in the middle.

This was, indeed, a coincidence, the first of many I will point out in a bullet point format in this post, because I don't have the energy for much more than that. I had more than 20 physical DVDs with me, as well as four movies rented on iTunes, and then, for good measure, I ended up watching two streaming as well. I watched 12 movies between Friday afternoon and Sunday morning, and because of technical difficulties that I will briefly touch on, there were maybe ten others that I tried to watch but couldn't.

I say all this to say that with an attempt to watch as many as 22 different movies, the fact that Wiig was in four of them is, indeed, a coincidence and not something premeditated. I don't think she was in any movies that I had but didn't watch, but I could be wrong about that.

Anyway, the first Wiig movie and first of the marathon was Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, in which she plays Dewey's first wife, whom he marries when she's 12. She's played by Wiig even when she's 12, which is hilarious.

Three movies later it was mother! Did you remember she's in mother!? She's a press agent turned guerrilla warrior. Her character in that film kind of typifies what I think is brilliant about it.

That took us through Friday night. My second movie Saturday morning was The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, in which she plays Ben Stiller's love interest.

Then I wrapped the weekend with The Skeleton Twins on Sunday morning, in which she plays the unstable twin sister to Bill Hader's gay would-be actor.

Wiig makes a good opportunity to segue into my first coincidence/observation:

• I watched two movies in which someone plays David Bowie's "Space Odyssey" on a guitar. The first was Wiig in Walter Mitty as seen in the poster above. The second was Seu Jorge in The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, which I only watched because my first attempt to watch a Wes Anderson movie, a long overdue re-reckoning with The Royal Tenenbaums, succumbed to technical difficulties.

Maybe before I continue my bullet points I should quickly explain those difficulties.

My projector worked fine. My DVD app on my computer did not.

I feel like laptops should come with built-in ways to play DVDs, but they don't seem to anymore. When I got this laptop in 2015 I had to install an app to play DVDs, and that app was Power Media Player, which has worked fine since. Now, not so much. I think they finally want me to pay for this product, or upgrade it, which requires a login of some kind. But I didn't want to mess around with that, so instead, I suffered a severely compromised version of the app all weekend. Would upgrading it or getting a new app have been easier? Sure. But instead I did the tedious thing I'm about to describe in the next paragraph.

So the app will no longer autoplay movies from the start. It gets stuck on the status "Detecting Disk" and never gets off it, even once it has obviously detected the disk. I say "obviously" because the name of the disk came up in the folder list on the left side of the screen, and when you opened it in the folder, you could get access to the raw video files themselves -- chunks of the movie broken up in segments running anywhere from 19 to 21 minutes. I could usually get these files to play in the correct sequence, though it took me until about the third movie I'd watched this way before I realized I needed to change a setting for them to play automatically without having to manually launch each new video file. However, in some cases, I just couldn't figure out how to open the right video file for the start of the movie. Royal Tenenbaums was one such example. I had to bail. 

Oh, and then there were another couple DVDs that were just too scratched or in other ways incorrectly encoded for the computer to even properly recognize them. Anyway, a number of prospective movies were lost either through incorrect sequencing or an inability to be recognized by my geriatric laptop DVD player. 

And that completes the summary of my technical difficulties. 

Where was I?

• I saw two (consecutive) movies in which a washed up performer looks back on the mistakes he's made in his life, and also cannot smell. (Dewey Cox is stricken without the sense of smell after accidentally chopping his brother in half with a machete, and Riggan Thomson in Birdman can't smell the flowers at the end of the movie because he's blown his nose off in a botched suicide attempt.)
• I saw two consecutive movies in which a character draws an unhappy face on a mirror with lipstick. Jena Malone does that in The Neon Demon (my last movie Saturday night) and Hader does it right before his suicide attempt at the start of Skeleton Twins. 
• Speaking of which, it struck me as interesting that Hader stars in It Chapter Two -- spoilers for that about to come up, so watch out! In both Skeleton Twins and It he plays a character who's gay and who uses humor to deflect pain, and It 2 also begins with a suicide attempt in a bathtub -- though it's not successful in Skeleton Twins, and it's not Hader's character in It. 
• I saw two consecutive movies in which characters are trying to use clues to find a person who doesn't necessarily want to be found, those being Margot in Paper Towns and the Life photographer Sean O'Connell in Walter Mitty. 
• This could be the weirdest one: In both Birdman and Skeleton Twins, characters compare their own success or lack thereof to that of George Clooney. Riggan confesses his fear that Clooney would be the one on the front page of the newspaper if the plane they had both been flying in had crashed. Then there's the great exchange in Twins where Maggie says, in trying to comfort the unsuccessful Milo, "No one's a famous actor." Milo counters with the example of George Clooney, and Maggie says "Okay, I guess George Clooney is one exception."
• There was a weird prediction of the future in Paper Towns. Justice Smith appears as one of two best friends of the main character played by Nat Wolff. There's a scene in this movie where the three of them sing the Pokemon theme song before going into a scary situation, believing it will make them less scared. Four years after this movie Smith would play the lead in Pokemon: Detective Pikachu.
• It was funny to see a young John Amos and a pre-Jesus Christ Superstar Ted Neeley in Vanishing Point, Richard C. Safarian's 1971 car chase movie that supposedly inspired Quentin Tarantino in Death Proof. That they're in the movie is not funny so much as the fact that neither of them appears in the credits, which is especially strange in the case of Amos, as he appears in a half-dozen different scenes and even has a couple lines of dialogue.
• On this, my third viewing of mother!, I saw the environmental metaphor more than the biblical metaphor. I love a movie that keeps shifting in meaning every time you watch it.

This has been a bit discombobulated but here's the whole lineup, in order:

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)

Wonder Woman

mother!

Paper Towns

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

Heartbeeps

Vanishing Point

The Breadwinner

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

The Neon Demon

The Skeleton Twins

However, I would have watched these if I could get the DVDs to play or if they were still on the streaming services I swear I'd seen them on recently:

Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping

Monty Python's The Meaning of Life

Paris, Texas

The Royal Tenenbaums

First Reformed

The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Melancholia

The Blackcoat's Daughter

Those of you who have not stopped reading already, you can do so now. 

Slap me right in my face why don't you

It’s not every day that I am put in my place, but every once in a while it’s funny to have a thing like this happen:

In case you can't read what it says, I will retype it, to drive the stake further into my own heart:

"DEREK ARMSTRONG

Derek Armstrong's reviews do not count toward the Tomatometer. This is not a Tomatometer-approved critic, and this critic's reviews are not published on a Tomatometer-approved publication."

It was something I found when googling myself, and no, I don’t google myself very often. (When I do I get a lot of hits from a retired NHL player, and they can be annoyed to wade through.)

It relates to two reviews that got posted to Rotten Tomatoes (not by me) when I wrote for All Movie Guide between 2000 and 2011. Two random reviews, it would appear: Lymelife (2008) and The Living Wake (2010). 

The wording of it sounds almost like a warning, like “Don’t take any wooden nickels! Don’t take any opinions from a critic not recognized by the Tomatometer!”

I knew there was a reason I prefer Metacritic.

Abigail Breslin's long, slow road to Zombieland 2

It’s been a good decade for the stars of the original Zombieland, which came out ten years ago.

Jesse Eisenberg has appeared as Lex Luthor and Mark Zuckerberg, for which he received an Oscar nomination, and has starred in two film series (Rio and Now You See Me).

Emma Stone has appeared as Gwen Stacey and Billie Jean King, winning an Oscar for her role in La La Land.

Woody Harrelson has appeared in one Star Wars movie, one Planet of the Apes movie, one Venom movie, four Hunger Games movies and the acclaimed first season of True Detective, with an Oscar nomination for Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri.

Abigail Breslin has …

Well, three out of four ain’t bad.

Poor Abigail Breslin, caught in the post child actor purgatory that has at least not caused her to succumb to drug addiction or public brawling. Oh she’s been working during that time, and some of the films have been pretty prominent, such as Rango, August: Osage County and Ender’s Game. But next to the outsized accomplishments of her co-stars, she’s lived the last ten years in comparative anonymity.

It’s kind of like when there are four stars of a movie announced in the trailers, and it reels them off as follows: “Oscar winner Meryl Streep, Oscar winner Daniel Day-Lewis, Oscar winner Charlize Theron, and … Keanu Reeves.” (Don’t know what movie that would be, but I’d like to see it.)

Breslin, alas, is Keanu Reeves.

Bad example as Keanu Reeves is having a terrific career. Okay … “and … Kellen Lutz.”

Breslin, alas, is Kellen Lutz.

Ages 13 to 23, which is what Breslin has been this decade, can be tricky for any performer. Some performers – I hate this example, but let’s say Miley Cyrus – can sail right through that period. They keep getting work and they keep getting bigger.

But for many if not most child actors, you have to make a bit of a rough adjustment, and see how you come out the other side when you’re finally deemed to be an adult. The things that made you so castable as a child may desert you during those intervening years. Your cute baby fat may become less cute teenage fat. Your nose might start growing crooked. That adorable baby voice may turn into an awkward squawk like the “that’s not our policy” kid on The Simpsons.

The fact that Breslin has kept working during those years is a sign that she’s doing better than most. But unfortunately, we still think of her as “the little girl from Little Miss Sunshine,” not for any new performance she’s given since Zombieland.

Zombieland: Double Tap comes out this week, and marks her most high profile appearance since Zombieland. Hopefully this will kick off a more enriching next decade for this engaging performer.

I is for Incel?

A couple years ago I wrote a post about how The Shawshank Redemption was the #1 movie on IMDB, and how that made me self-conscious about my own affection for it. I may not have used these exact words at the time I wrote the post (I could go back and read it I guess), but what I meant to say at the time was that Shawshank was the equivalent of an arthouse movie for comic book nerds. Or maybe not so much an arthouse movie, since the people I am broadly generalizing about would have no use for the arthouse in this broad generalization I’m making. But instead, maybe it was a movie they knew counted as a “good movie” that didn’t have men in capes in it. Even comic book nerds being broadly generalized about know that they can’t only like movies with men in capes.

But now I’m wondering if my preconceived notions about IMDB users has a darker edge than I originally thought.

If you haven’t heard, Joker crossed into the top ten movies of all time on IMDB over the weekend. It must have been a brief incursion only, as maybe more people saw and rated the movie to bring its average score down a bit, perhaps even as a reaction to the news that it had reached that height. But it’s still knocking on the door of that chart’s hallowed top ten at #11, with an average user rating of 8.8/10.

I’m not sure how IMDB does its calculations, but I’d guess there’s a greater likelihood of a film nudging into the top ten based on an initial burst of enthusiasm, one that is typically tempered over time by a more measured approach to ranking. Or, in other words, the movie starts getting seen by the people who are not inclined to love it, and they rank it accordingly. If Joker is anywhere near this ranking two years from now, I will be very surprised.

But for it to even make it near or close to the top ten at any point in its existence means that it has to be a pretty acclaimed movie, right?

Er, no, actually.

I learned about it reaching this peak before I saw it on Saturday afternoon, and when I didn’t like it so much (that opinion may get even more negative the more I sit with it), I figured it must be yet another “me problem.” As with films like the recent Ad Astra (don’t get me started), I felt like I must have seen a very different movie than the vast majority of people.

Actually, many people – or many critics, anyway – saw the same movie I did.

Joker has a fairly lethargic 59 on Metacritic. That breaks down to 32 positive reviews, 15 mixed reviews and 11 negative reviews. So more positive than negative – hence the 59 – but only six more positive reviews than those characterized as mixed or negative combined. And even with some perfect scores of 100 mixed in there, it looks like the Venice Film Festival was more the anomaly than what we should expect from other awards bodies as the year goes on.

IMDB is a different story. On IMDB, Joker would have an 88, using approximately the same scale as Metacritic.

So that begs the question: Why is IMDB’s user base so different from the user base of critics?

I’ve suggested what I think it might be in the provocative subject I’ve used for this post. Is this, indeed, the Incel Movie Data Base?

For you to follow me on this one, we have to make what I acknowledge are a couple stretches in our logic. First we have to say that comic book nerds are disproportionately represented among IMDB’s users, which may not be the case. There’s reason to suggest it may be, though. Even 11 years after its release, another film featuring the Joker, The Dark Knight, is still #4 on IMDB, behind only Shawshank and the first two Godfathers. Two Lord of the Rings movies appearing in the top 12 bolsters the notion that people steeped in nerd culture are heavily represented.

Then we have to make the assumption that some significant percentage of the people who like Joker, like it because they feel like it is a call to violence for incels. Incels, of course, being short for “involuntary celibates,” who are considered to be a group of people prone to shooting up a school or shopping mall because the girl they like doesn’t like them. Of course, not everyone who’s unlucky with the ladies is going to shoot up a mall, but people who characterize themselves as incels are probably a lot more likely to do so. That it incites us to violence is not the only or probably not even the primary reason a person would like Joker, but to say it is no factor at all is probably not correct either, and to say the targets of this incitement are not incels is to overlook some of the ways the film is coded.

Then you have to say that there is a meaningful crossover between people who think of themselves as comic book nerds and people who think of themselves as incels. There would be some, of course, but as with anything, it’s more of a “few bad apples” scenario.

If you do go with me on all this, though, my query about the Incel Movie Data Base makes a little more sense.

Of course, as someone who doesn’t like Joker and thinks it puts bad things into the world, I’m going to question the perspective of a person who does – or their willingness to overlook some of its more problematic elements. But it could be very rational, non-violent thinkers who find the film’s filmmaking or acting first rate (they can be), or instead see a criticism of fatcats like Donald Trump. That’s in there too, which makes the messaging of this film ambiguous to say the least. Although I like it when a film can be interpreted differently by different people, in this case it feels sort of dangerous. It feels like another way it's difficult to grasp an "absolute truth" in this day and age.

But it's not a bully like Donald Trump who gets a gun and kills a bunch of people, his comments about shooting someone on Fifth Avenue notwithstanding. It's the victim of that bully. 

As I wade further and further into this post I realize I am not going to end with a totally coherent thought that I can fully defend. I suppose it takes a piece of art with some value to spin a critical thinker in circles, so they can never fully articulate their thoughts, and have to go back to just trusting the feeling they get from the art.

So Joker is that kind of art: provocative, conversation starting. Art like that should always exist.

But if Joker is engendering passionate fans, it hardly seems likely that they are most passionate about Joaquin Phoenix’s acting, or how Todd Phillips sets up a camera. It seems likely that the passion is coming from the film’s core ideas. And I feel like the uprising of the Joker is more a glorification of the loners who always felt that they were misunderstood, who might think about going to get a gun, than a criticism intended for people who feel forgotten and left behind by the rich. That second idea is put forward on a narrative level, but I don’t think it goes any deeper than that.

Not as deep as the accumulation of hate and disgust felt by mentally ill victims who see no other solution than to rise up and kill everybody.

That's not my reductive view of people with mental illness. It's the movie's. 

Incels, your hero scares me, and your apparent quantity scares me even more.

And I really hope I’m getting all this wrong.

Schrodinger's movie projector

I’m having another one of my patented “go to a hotel and watch a marathon of movies projected on the wall” weekends this weekend, to celebrate my 46^th birthday. (If you think there's a better way for a 46-year-old man to spend his time and money, well, keep it to yourself.)

At least I think I am. See, I haven’t actually tested the projector yet.

It is, therefore, kind of like Schrodinger’s movie projector. Until I test it, I won’t have any idea whether that projector is alive or dead.

If you want a full explanation of Schrodinger’s Cat, the thought experiment devised by Austrian physicist Erwin Schrodinger, you can go here. In simple terms, though, it involves a cat in a box who may or may not have died as a result of the fact that a radioactive substance may or may not have decayed enough to poison the cat. Until you open the box, you don’t know whether the cat is alive or dead, so in theoretical terms, the cat is both alive and dead simultaneously.

My projector is like that.

But I can’t quite bring myself to look in the box. And without the projector, I might cancel the hotel stay. And if I don’t do that at least 48 hours before check-in time, I will be charged for the first night.

But I can’t quite bring myself to learn that the projector is dead. I’d rather exist in Schrodinger’s state of not knowing for as long as possible. For me, for now, the projector is both alive and dead.

If you’re wondering why I should suspect that my projector might be dead, well, I’ve been down this road before. I was going away for one of these weekends back in 2015, just one night that time, and didn’t discover until the morning I was ready to leave that the projector just wouldn’t power on. It was a cheap projector, purchased by my wife online from a Chinese company, and it did in fact work quite well for a number of months. But then it just gave up the ghost. Whether it was inferior electronics or poor storage practices that causes its untimely demise, I don’t know. As it had one of those cases that is basically impossible to open, I never made any inroads to figuring it out, nor learned whether it was within my capabilities to fix it. It just didn’t work, and since it was too late to cancel, I just went to the hotel anyway and watched movies on my laptop on the bed.

Flash forward two years, and I scheduled another one of these weekends for my birthday in 2017. And so I went about acquiring a projector, this time using Gumtree, which is the local equivalent of Craigslist. I paid a similarly cheap price for it (about $80) and met a very nice guy outside of Flinders Street train station to transact the deal. Only when I got home did I discover that it was a North American projector, meaning it was not compatible with the local power outlets. However, the guy said that if I just used an adapter, it should work fine. And it did.

But as it turns out, I don’t have very regular uses for a cheap projector that’s better suited for projecting movies on the walls of hotel rooms than for any kind of home entertainment use. It’s been two years and I have yet to use it again. If I get another use out of it, at least that’ll lower its effective cost from a one-time $80/per rental to a two-time $40/per rental.

But will I? A lot can happen to a dormant piece of electronic equipment in two years, even stored inside its original box on a dry shelf rather than in some dark and dank corner.

It would be easy enough to test it, and I will. Sometime before Wednesday afternoon, anyway.

But even if it’s a better brand than the original projector we had – and there’s no guaranteeing it is – it has that extra complicating factor of requiring the adapter to work in Australia. This may make me resemble an old person more than I’d like to admit, but I have a mild paranoia that any piece of equipment designed to work in one country might blow itself out with another country’s currents running through it. I’ve got a mild paranoia that I myself might cause the radioactive atom to decay, prompting the glass to shatter and the poison to fill the box, just by testing it to see if it works.

Which gives this something in common with another physics principle other than Schrodinger’s Cat: the Observer Effect, which states that an observer will have a measurable effect on a scientific phenomenon just through the act of observing it.

So I want to live in that dream of the projector not being broken just a little bit longer. If only because if it is broken, I will then have to admit to myself that I might cancel this weekend away, and therefore admit to my wife that I only care about going away for a weekend to myself if I have a projector that will project movies on the wall.

I don’t know which scientific principle states that if you observe your own obsessiveness too closely, it makes it real.

Joker's got a Rogue One problem

SPOILERS for Joker. 

Joker puts bad things into the world. It's one of the reasons I don't like the movie, and reason enough.

But since I haven't yet figured out why I think Joker puts bad things into the world, but why I don't think The Dark Knight does that, I'm going to save my criticisms in today's post for something more superficial and plot-focused.

When I wasn't being bothered by the gratuitous shocks and tone deafness of Joker, I was being bothered by the way it makes mincemeat of the familiar Batman mythology.

Or, at the very least, the way it recontextualizes the most notorious moment in Batman's backstory, the one that gets parodied more than any other.

And this is something it has in common with Rogue One.

Rogue One -- which I also gave a milquetoast 2.5 stars as a way of acknowledging that I appreciated certain elements of the film without actually liking it -- does things I don't like, have never liked, with what functions as the inciting incident of the whole Star Wars saga.

Instead of the transfer of the Death Star plans from Princess Leia to R2-D2 serving as this almost quiet moment in an episode of successful espionage, we now know that it was preceded by a giant battle involving AT-ATs. So much for the innocent little space caper that led to a galaxy-defining narrative. It was always operating on the largest of scales, we now know.

That didn't sit well with me at all. It was complicating a story I admired for its simplicity, and it was all in the spirit of mining our nostalgia to sell us "additional breadth and depth" on what we already knew. Or thought we knew, it turns out.

I think the agenda in Joker is a little different, but the result is the same.

I think Todd Phillips and company set out to make a movie about how the world can mold a deranged supervillain in its cruel crucible, and knowing that it was the Batman villain the Joker helped us understand exactly what type of psychopath we're talking about, because we've known that psychopath for more than 50 years. In its ideal form it would have been beholden to no other story or existing narrative timeline.

But we live in a world of cinematic universes, and the suits at DC just could not resist continuing to ram the connections to the story of Bruce Wayne down our throats.

Which I guess is why they ultimately have Thomas and a pearl-clutching Martha Wayne killed on the same night in which the Joker announces himself to the whole world by killing Gotham City's version of Johnny Carson live on air, launching a citywide riot.

Come on.

Look, this origin story for the Joker does not have to fit in perfectly with what we know about the character. Looking him up on Wikipedia just now, I found that his origin story has changed to fit the needs of whichever of the umpteen stories someone was telling about him at the time. I'd appreciate something close to the story where he falls into a vat of acid that turns his skin white and his hair green, but I'm okay if you don't want to give me that. There's only so many times you can film that scene.

I'm even okay if you give me a Joker who's "just some joker," to quote late night host Murray Franklin -- who has no "particular set of skills" that allows him to marshal an army of freaks, create all kinds of poisonous weapons, and evade capture for as long as he does and as often as he does. If you want to make Arthur Fleck just a failed clown with the remnants of childhood brain damage, I can work with that as well.

What I can't work with is the idea that the Joker would be on the scene for something like 15 year before Batman even becomes Batman. I mean, how old can Bruce Wayne be in that scene in the alley where his parents are killed? Eleven? Twelve? And what's the youngest Batman can be when he first emerges? Thirty?

So in Todd Phillips' and Joaquin Phoneix's Gotham City, Bruce Wayne grows up with a hatred for the Joker his whole life, with a single focus for all his efforts toward shaping himself into a tech-savvy vigilante. No, this Joker does not pull the trigger that killed his parents, but he might as well have. He incited those copycats to violence, and besides, he came to my damn house and talked to me through the gate. He's the face on my voodoo doll and my punching bag. He's the last face I look at when I go to bed and the first I see each morning before I wake up.

It's a problem because I can't abide by a world where the Joker is on the loose for 15 years, menacing Gotham City, begging for someone to rise up and do something about him, until someone finally does. If he's on the loose for that long, it speaks incredibly poorly of the Gotham police -- though it speaks even worse of the prisons and the justice system if he keeps getting caught and keeps escaping.

I had always thought that the killing of the Waynes was a random crime, a robbery, not some vendetta on the rich launched by the villain who would become the future Batman's greatest nemesis. I had always thought their alley demise was the narrative equivalent of Leia Organa hunching over and surreptitiously sliding a disk into a slot on an R2 unit.

Rogue One tried to tell me something quite different about that scene, and now Joker is trying to do the same, and I don't like it.

I agree with a friend of mine who stated that the movie would have been better off leaning away from, rather than leaning into, the Bruce Wayne stuff. Like if they had to get Bruce in there for a cameo to make the audience chuckle, make it like Wolverine's five-second cameo in X-Men: First Class. Not everything has to be related to everything else. If Joker were more of a standalone, I might have liked it better.

Or, I might have just written this post about why I think it puts bad things into the world instead.