Thursday, May 23, 2019

Hot commodities gaping in control rooms

If you've seen one Godzilla movie, have you seen them all?

The trailers for the latest make it seem as though the answer to that question is definitively "Yes."

I've had occasion to become quite familiar with them, as about seven-second versions of the trailer for Godzilla: King of the Monsters play in clusters between innings on MLB.TV. Which is to say, they play about four times back-to-back, sometimes changing which seven-second ad plays, sometimes just slamming together the same one four times in a row.

And I've concluded that the essence of every Godzilla movie ever has been faithfully reproduced here. That essence is:

A collection of actors with a bit of heat in their careers, all staring out windows or at video screens, making awestruck comments about the gargantuan size and power of the fire-breathing monster.

Or put more succinctly: Hot commodities gaping in control rooms.

Let's look at the motley Irwin Allen-style cast they've assembled here, the actors sharing one thing in common: They are all "breaking out" in some way.

Okay, it doesn't entirely hold up -- I'm not sure what Ken Watanabe is "breaking out" of except possibly a retirement home. (That's cruel; he's only 59. How could Ken Watanabe be only 59?)

But in most cases, the actors they've cast could be the result of some casting director yelling at an underling "Get me the guy from [hit TV show or movie X]!"

For example:

Thomas Middleditch ("Get me that guy from Silicon Valley!")

Millie Bobby Brown ("Get me that girl from Stranger Things!")

Charles Dance ("Get me that old guy from Game of Thrones!")

O'Shea Jackson Jr. ("Get me that guy who played Ice Cube in that NWA movie! I think his name is Something Cube!")

Sally Hawkins ("Get me that deaf actress from The Shape of Water!")

Kyle Chandler ("Get me that football coach from Friday Night Lights! I know that show ended years ago but he's still hot!")

Bradley Whitford ("Get me that guy from, um ... West Wing! And ... Unicorn Store!)

Vera Farmiga ("Get me ... Vera Farmiga!")

It's not really possible to tell who plays what from these little clips, but it looks entirely possible that all of them are some kind of cryptozoological expert working for the military industrial complex, except possibly Jackson, because he's in military duds, and Brown, because she's, like, a kid.

So I won't even attempt to differentiate who says which of the following lines, all of which may have been in previous Godzilla movies.


"We opened Pandora's Box, and there's no closing it now."

"Long live the king."

"We unleashed the titans."

"Oh God ..."
" ... zilla."

"What's with the light show?"
"It's an intimidation display."
"Consider us very intimidated."

"I'm just glad he's on our side."

I really think I'm not going to see this movie.

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