No Bourne in their identity

Hello everyone.

I am simply overflowing with new post ideas, since so much has changed between the way I watched movies in the U.S. and the way I watch them now.

However, computer issues have conspired against me. The biggest is that I have not had regular access to the internet ever since I arrived in Australia. I could get online at my father-in-law's house for my first eight days in town, except the wifi signal was bad in the wing of the house where I would have preferred to do my internetting. I ended up doing most of my internet activities during bouts of insomnia. Then for the past ten days I've been without internet at all at our new house. There was supposed to be a seven-day wait between when my wife ordered it and when it was ready to go. Truth was, only the router came in seven days -- the internet itself was not up for another two days. (You'd think it would be the other way around -- flip a switch and have the internet on almost immediately, then have to wait for the router. It was not the other way around.) Only problem with that was/is, we don't have any phone jacks in our new house, so we can't get DSL until that's resolved.

Then last night my computer wouldn't start. It's been having awkward shutdowns for a couple months now, and I think it finally gave up the motherboard last night. I'm hoping for the best but fearing for the worst.

Without internet on my phone -- which I just picked up on Friday -- I would probably be legitimately crazy, rather than just on the verge of insanity as I am now.

However, I don't want these issues to defeat me, so I am putting up a new post on The Audient today, dammit. It's Monday for me but Sunday for you, and this Monday/Sunday will have a new Audient update.

So let's start with that "welcome to Australia!"-type email I discussed in my last post.

How about we start by telling you how to pronounce the name of the city where I now live?

There are two wrong ways for Americans to pronounce the word "Melbourne," and one right way. Let's start with the wrong ways, one of which is brought to you by the Jason Bourne franchise.

If you pronounce the second syllable of "Melbourne" the way they do it in The Bourne Identity, The Bourne Supremacy, The Bourne Ultimatum and The Bourne Legacy, you're doing it wrong.

However, if you go too far in the other direction and under-pronounce the last syllable, you are also doing it wrong. Adam Kempenaar of the Filmspotting podcast, bless his heart, has been trying to say it correctly for a couple years, and not succeeding. He pronounces it as "Melbin."

That would be right -- if he were Australian.

Australians say "Melbin" because their accent leaves them naturally inclined to under-pronounce the letter R. Take the example of one of my first dates with my wife. She was talking about the massive rock formation in the middle of the Australian desert known as Ayers Rock. Because I had never heard of this massive rock formation and because we were in a very loud bar, I thought she was saying "Ez Rock." I knew that sounded ridiculous, but I couldn't figure out what she was actually saying until she spelled it for me.

Adam K. should only be saying "Melbin" if he would also say "Ez Rock." He's essentially doing an impersonation of an Australian accent, which is frowned upon.

The correct way for an American to say "Melbourne" is "Melburn." That way, you still get to deemphasize the second syllable (and thereby avoid sounding like a dorky American), but no one can accuse you of doing your best Paul Hogan impression either.

Even though I know this, I still have my own mishaps. The other day I was talking about a street called Bourke Street, and I was pronouncing it Bork, like the failed candidate for a seat on the Supreme Court under the first President Bush. (Robert Bork, he was.) I should have known, following the same rule as for Melbourne, that it would be Burk, not Bork. Yet I made the mistake once more before committing it to memory.

Nobody's perfect.

So, you are allowed a couple mistakes, but you should practice so as to avoid them: "Melburn. Melburn."

Good.

Next time: Something that's actually about the movies.

Bourne again

Is it just me, or do you also feel like you need a fourth Bourne Identity movie like you need a shard of light bulb in your eye?

Of course, Green Zone, out today, is not technically another Jason Bourne movie. But it stars Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) and is directed by the guy who directed the last two Bourne movies (Paul Greengrass), so for all intents and purposes, it is. If Green Zone were these two collaborating on a 19th century costume drama, that would be one thing. (And that would be a pretty funny name for the movie). But it's an action thriller about a Jason Bourne-like character, who's like Jason Bourne if only because he has combat skills and is played by Matt Damon.

It may only be me, actually, because the vast majority of people I know seem to feel quite strongly about The Bourne Identity and its ever-more-ridiculously-named sequels. Me, I got off on the wrong foot with them.

It all started when I went to go see The Bourne Identity with a friend back in 2002. My office was in the same building as the local multiplex, and I got off work at 4. He wasn't working predictable hours at the time, so he met me soon after I quit for the day, and we probably went to see a 4:30 show. It wasn't the only time I'd gone to a movie right after work, not hardly. But on this particular day, I must have been tired, because I yawned throughout the whole thing. Whether or not I should blame that on The Bourne Identity (directed by Doug Liman, before Greengrass got involved in the franchise) is debatable, but I do anyway. To make a second reference to that theoretical 19th century costume drama, I'd be able to understand yawning through something like that, with its necessarily slower pace. But a spy movie full of fisticuffs and gunplay? I shouldn't have been checking my watch. So I did blame The Bourne Identity, for making me yawn a lot more than the other movies I'd watched immediately after work had made me yawn.

Needless to say, I wasn't that excited for the theatrical release of The Bourne Supremacy in 2004. But there had been a change in directors, to some guy named Paul Greengrass with whom I was not really familiar. So I retained some hope that I'd like the second movie better. This hope was still not enough to prioritize a viewing -- until I saw Greengrass' United 93 in 2006, that is. The gritty realism of that movie impressed me and moved me hugely -- it was my third-favorite film of the year. Friends told me to expect the same kind of gritty realism from The Bourne Supremacy, which was supposed to look like one of those European spy movies from the 1970s. (I don't know exactly which movies I'm referring to here, but I imagine you get what I'm going for.) Well, upon finally renting it, I ended up being just as disappointed with The Bourne Supremacy as I was with The Bourne Identity, if not more so. Maybe I just don't buy Matt Damon as an action hero. Or maybe I just don't care that much about movies involving spies and international intrigue. Or maybe I just think amnesia is a dumb and lazy screenwriting gimmick. Maybe it was just a perfect storm of all of these, with my own maturation as a viewer and the particular ingredients of these films combining to leave me underwhelmed. However you slice it, I was simply not a fan of the Jason Bourne movies. Trying to make myself one was just an exercise in futility.

Which is why I skipped The Bourne Ultimatum (2007) entirely. What was the ultimatum? I may never know. Just how I never figured out what the "supremacy" was. Maybe it was "Get your memory back once and for all, or I'm leaving you." I guess I associate ultimatums with women telling their boyfriends they need a ring by such-and-such date, or we're through. That's probably not what The Bourne Ultimatum was about.

At least an actual fourth Bourne movie does not appear to be on the verge of materializing. In 2008, production was ramping up with screenwriter George Nolfi working on a script, and Damon and Greengrass both attached. This despite the fact that Damon had previously said they'd "ridden this horse as far as they can ride it," and that Greengrass had jokingly titled the fourth movie The Bourne Redundancy. However, the movie went into turnaround, and Damon recently described it as "at least five years away." What's more, Greengrass would no longer be attached to this theoretical project, with Doug Liman listed as a candidate to replace him, bringing the franchise right back to where it started. But all of this seems pretty speculative at this point, as does the potential existence of a Bourne prequel that would not involve either Damon or Greengrass.

But Green Zone seems like it will function pretty well as a fourth Bourne, doesn't it? Okay, Damon isn't a spy here, but he is a CIA officer, in search of weapons of mass destruction in post-Saddam Iraq. I'm sure there are not nearly so many fisticuffs or gunplay, but I do remember seeing at least one explosion in the ad. Maybe this will resemble a Syriana more than it will resemble a Bourne movie, but it's still Greengrass and Damon, two guys I like plenty well individually, but not so well in concert.

And as long as they don't become the next Tim Burton and Johnny Depp, maybe I'll continue to like them plenty well individually.