You asked for it (no you didn't), you got it (yes you did). It's the Bennifer or Brangelina of year-end movie parody posts! Forthwith, 2017 in portmanteaus:
SplIT - Kevin has 23 distinct personalities. The 24th is Pennywise the Clown.
The Lost City of a Thousand Planets - In which the Bolivian jungle disguises even more advanced civilizations than we thought.
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets of the Apes - Two adventurers encounter a conglomeration of space stations run entirely by, or perhaps overrun by, rhesus monkeys.
Emoji: The Musical - A bunch of emojis escape the phone in which they're trapped and start singing songs about being mopey and depressed.
Cocja - A bioengineered superpig crosses over and becomes a spirit animal in the land of the dead.
Thor: Ragnarokja - A bioengineered super pig gets stranded on a junk planet and does battle, gladiator-style, with Thor.
Fifty Shades Darkest Hour - Winston Churchill tries to decide whether he should negotiate with Hitler or engage in some kinky sex games.
A Ghost in the Shell Story - Scarlett Johansson is reborn as an assassin with a crazy disguise: a white sheet with two eye holes poked in the front.
The Space Between the Furious - A boy born on Mars passes his time drag racing over the red dunes ... because family comes first.
Transformer Wars: The Last Jedi Knight - And you thought Transformers appearing in the Middle Ages was weird.
Star Wars: The Last Kedi - The final cat in Instanbul sequesters himself on an island to live out his days drinking milk from the boobs of aliens.
Jim & Andy: The Great Wall - Jim Carrey, Andy Kaufman and Tony Clifton team up to fight a horde of beasts trying to invade China.
Jumangeostorm - A bunch of kids get sucked into the Weather Channel to fight flash freezes in Afghanistan.
I Don't Feel at Home in This Corner of the World Anymore - An average woman gets fed up with the rudeness of society when an atomic bomb is dropped on her city.
It Comes at Rough Night - A family holed up in the post-apocalyptic woods finally learns what is tormenting them: the reanimated corpse of a male stripper.
The Dark Jeremiah Tower - A celebrity chef quits the business when the Man in Black rejects his fois gras.
Girls Trip to Spain - The Flossy Posse reunites in Spain to eat great food and do Michael Caine impersonations.
Logan Lucky - On his 90th birthday, Wolverine decides to rob the Charlotte Motor Speedway.
The Boss Baby Driver - An infant synchronizes the timing of his bank jobs to songs by the Wiggles.