Friday, January 26, 2018

2017 in portmanteaus

You asked for it (no you didn't), you got it (yes you did). It's the Bennifer or Brangelina of year-end movie parody posts! Forthwith, 2017 in portmanteaus:

SplIT - Kevin has 23 distinct personalities. The 24th is Pennywise the Clown.

The Lost City of a Thousand Planets - In which the Bolivian jungle disguises even more advanced civilizations than we thought.

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets of the Apes - Two adventurers encounter a conglomeration of space stations run entirely by, or perhaps overrun by, rhesus monkeys.

Emoji: The Musical - A bunch of emojis escape the phone in which they're trapped and start singing songs about being mopey and depressed.

Cocja - A bioengineered superpig crosses over and becomes a spirit animal in the land of the dead.

Thor: Ragnarokja - A bioengineered super pig gets stranded on a junk planet and does battle, gladiator-style, with Thor.

Fifty Shades Darkest Hour - Winston Churchill tries to decide whether he should negotiate with Hitler or engage in some kinky sex games.

A Ghost in the Shell Story - Scarlett Johansson is reborn as an assassin with a crazy disguise: a white sheet with two eye holes poked in the front.

The Space Between the Furious - A boy born on Mars passes his time drag racing over the red dunes ... because family comes first.

Transformer Wars: The Last Jedi Knight - And you thought Transformers appearing in the Middle Ages was weird.

Star Wars: The Last Kedi - The final cat in Instanbul sequesters himself on an island to live out his days drinking milk from the boobs of aliens.

Jim & Andy: The Great Wall - Jim Carrey, Andy Kaufman and Tony Clifton team up to fight a horde of beasts trying to invade China.

Jumangeostorm - A bunch of kids get sucked into the Weather Channel to fight flash freezes in Afghanistan.

I Don't Feel at Home in This Corner of the World Anymore - An average woman gets fed up with the rudeness of society when an atomic bomb is dropped on her city.

It Comes at Rough Night - A family holed up in the post-apocalyptic woods finally learns what is tormenting them: the reanimated corpse of a male stripper.

The Dark Jeremiah Tower - A celebrity chef quits the business when the Man in Black rejects his fois gras.

Girls Trip to Spain - The Flossy Posse reunites in Spain to eat great food and do Michael Caine impersonations.

Logan Lucky - On his 90th birthday, Wolverine decides to rob the Charlotte Motor Speedway.

The Boss Baby Driver - An infant synchronizes the timing of his bank jobs to songs by the Wiggles.


Wendell Ottley said...

Fifty Shades Darkest Hour is possibly the scariest thing anyone has ever imagined. Nice.

Derek Armstrong said...

I guess I saved the best for last! That was the last one I thought of before I posted.