Want to see what it would be like if you took the movies of 2019 and smashed them together so their titles and plots were joined?I've wanted to see that for six years now, which is why this is my sixth annual "[Year] in portmanteaus" post. Check out the tag at the bottom if you want to read the others.
For now, read this one! And enjoy.
Caution: Possibly some very minor spoilers.
Captain Marvelvet Buzzsaw - Carol Danvers ruins the art world by saving its patrons from the paintings that are trying to kill them.
Jokursk - A nihilistic madman inspires a bunch of Russian sailors to sink their own submarine as a very misguided protest.
Aladdin: Battle Angel - A plucky street urchin levels up in his fight against Jafar and his minions by incorporating cyborg parts into his body.
Always Be My Abbey - Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes are forced to take their relationship out of the friend zone after Mrs. Hughes starts dating Keanu Reeves.
Jojo Abbey - As the story moves into the 1930s, Mr. Carson begins taking buttling advice from his imaginary friend, Adolf Hitler.
Jojo Rambo - A career's worth of heroic feats are tainted by the revelation that Sylvester Stallone was always acting on the advice of his imaginary friend, Adolf Hitler.
Between Two Popes: The Movie - Zach Galifianakis interviews Pope Benedict, trolls him by calling him "Poop Benedict" and asking what it was like to be impeached.
Maleficent: Mistress of Shockingly Evil and Vile - A winged witch loses the Villain of the Year contest when she goes up against Ted Bundy.
Star Wars: The Knives of Skywalker - Emperor Palpatine inadvertently ends his own reign of terror by sitting on a throne made of daggers, swords and prop knives, impaling himself.
Ford v. Jumanji - Not expecting to be traveling at 200 miles per hour, elderly citizens cause a giant pile-up after getting sucked into the 24 Hours of Le Mans.
Portrait of a Festival Called Fyre - A portrait artist refuses her latest assignment, to paint a picture of a misbegotton music festival for the wedding of its founder, Billy McFarland.
The Kid Who Would be the Lion King - A boy realizes his destiny as the leader of a pride of lions with a little help from a shapeshifting wizard named Merlin.
Honeyland Boy - Shia LaBeouf plays his own father during his time as a Macedonian beekeeper.
Angry Birds of Passage - The birds and pigs relocate their dispute to Colombia, where they get ensnared in the drug trade.
The Man Who Killed Don Quixote, Hitler and then the Bigfoot - It was a busy night.
Isn't It Chapter Two Romantic? - Pennywise the Clown wakes up one day to find himself trapped inside a romantic comedy, has a meet cute with Rebel Wilson in a Manhattan sewer.
Addams Astra - Pugsley Addams travels to Neptune to prevent Gomez Addams from throwing knives at Earth at light speed.
Parasite is My Name - Rudy Ray Moore leaves blaxploitation films behind when he takes up as the driver for a rich Korean family, then finds roles for all the others in his posse.
Knock Down the Lighthouse - Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez upends the status quo by kicking two old white men out of their jobs as wickies.
Knock Down the Klaus - Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez upends the status quo by kicking an old white man out of his job as Santa Claus.
Once Upon a Time in Neighborhood - Fred Rogers considers spaghetti westerns when he's no longer allowed to win fights against King Friday; accidentally bludgeons Daniel Tiger to death after smoking an acid-laced cigarette.
Stubernadette - An architectural prodigy quits her day job and decides to drive Ubers, but loses her new gig when she makes the ill-fated attempt to drive to Antarctica.
Dumber - A flying elephant quits his day job and decides to drive Ubers, but loses his new gig when the sheer girth of his body causes the Uber to explode.
Spider-Man: Far from Homecoming - Peter Parker goes even further afield by starring in an elaborate concert set dedicated to historically black colleges.
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