Friday, January 26, 2024

2023 in portmanteaus

It's time once again for everyone's favorite Audient post of the year! And by "everyone" I mean "me."

Each year since 2014 I have been smashing together the titles of two movies from the year just completed to make a new movie ... and trying to stop myself from making a picture to go along with each one. Hey, that makes this the tenth annual! 

Here's the milestone anniversary batch:

Are You There God? It's Me, Mario. - An Italian plumber asks for divine assistance when he's called to unplug a toilet clogged with sanitary napkins.  

Talk to M3GAN - When Australian teenagers clasp a disembodied hand and give a special command, they become possessed by a murderous cartwheeling doll who sings Sia songs. 

Paint Hustlers - Bob Ross comes under investigation by the feds when he begins prescribing his paintings of happy trees and bushes as medication for cancer patients. 

Bird Box Barbie - Barbie and Ken finally make it out into the real world, only to immediately commit suicide because they didn't blindfold themselves. 

Maestro Gardener - It's the ultimate twist when noted Jewish conductor Leonard Bernstein reveals he has a back full of Neo Nazi tattoos. 

John Wonka - An unkillable hitman finds sanctuary from the assassins chasing him when he's taken in by Oompa Loompas.

Rye Plane - Two charming Londoners walk and talk their way into subduing the mercenaries who have taken hostages from a plane crash. 

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destinyad - Diana Nyad travels through time to when she was young enough to swim from Cuba to Miami. 

Napoleonka - After a humiliating defeat, Napoleon Bonaparte gets back in the game by selling salt waterloo taffy. 

Poor Thieves - A bard, a barbarian, a paladin and a tiefling druid learn about furious jumping. 

Dumbgeons & Dragons - A bunch of nerds get together to drive up the stock of a games company that specializes in 13-sided dice. 

Fast Lives - Dom Toretto is torn between his family and the family he could have had if he'd never emigrated from Seoul. 

Asterix City - French icons Asterix and Obelix fumble their way into a stargazer convention in the American southwest, explaining they are only illegal aliens, not actual aliens. 

You Hurt My Renfeelings - Dracula's familiar gets depressed after overhearing that his boss doesn't like the way he selects his victims. 

You People Hurt My Feelings - Despondent after her husband confesses to a mutual friend that he doesn't like her book, Julia Louis-Dreyfus turns to making racist microaggressions. 

El Condemeter - After killing everyone on the ship carrying him to England, Dracula goes undercover as a Chilean dictator. 

The Pope's Exortetris - Russell Crowe is called to free the soul of a boy possessed by his obsession with fitting falling blocks into complete rows. 

The Popenheimer - Russell Crowe is called to free the soul of a boy possessed by his obsession with creating a weapon that will blow up the world. 

Polite Society of the Snow - Oh the rugby players still eat each other, but they do it wearing a nice dinner jacket and using a fancy fork. 

Killers of the Rebel Moon - The Motherworld attempts to marry into a farming planet in order to steal its grain rights.

Ninjamarink - Two kids find their house haunted by mask-wearing turtles with katana swords. 

Scream Scenario - Pretty much the second half of Dream Scenario

Cocaine Bear is Afraid - You would be too if you'd just ingested several bricks of a white powder that made you act like Robin Williams. 

Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumay December - Julianne Moore has an affair with a little boy. So little, in fact, that she frequently can't remember where she put him. 

You Are So Not Invited to My Bat Mission Impossible - Tom Cruise is disinvited from his best friend's bat mitzvah, drives his motorcycle off a cliff in a fit of depression. 


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