But I like to think it might have been lame anyway because of the subject matter.
A strange comment to make about the brand that helped bifurcate my childhood obsessions after I grew out of playing with Star Wars figures.
I'm not sure exactly what age it was that G.I. Joe figures supplanted Star Wars figures for me. Return of the Jedi came out in 1983, when I was nine. My best guess is that the third (and then final) Star Wars movie would have sustained me for at least a year after its release, so let's say I transitioned to G.I. Joe action figures from when I was ten until when I stopped playing with toys, probably around age 13. (If you stopped playing with toys earlier than that, don't judge.) So I might have played with Star Wars figures a little longer, but I was into G.I. Joes just as intensely.
I'm still into Star Wars today. I treat the release of every new Star Wars property with the same glee that I experienced when I played with the toys.
I could not give a shit about G.I. Joe.
Or maybe I couldn't give two shits. Which statement is stronger?
I remember when G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra came out in 2009, there was no doubt I was going to see it. But was I excited about it? Not in the least. I ended up seeing it at the drive-in, and it was just as disappointing as I imagined it might be.
I didn't see the sequel, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, which was released in 2013. Which is kind of funny because I thought it actually looked like it might be better than the first, and it had Bruce Willis, which was still a good thing back then, in addition to Dwayne Johnson, who might have still been called The Rock. To this day, I have not yet made time for it.
Now that the third blockbuster film with the G.I. Joe brand is being released, I don't have any more interest in seeing it than I have in correcting the Retaliation omission. I kind of thought I'd have to see it for ReelGood, since the bigger releases get more clicks, but maybe this lockdown has bailed me out of that particular obligation.
So why have I stayed loyal to Star Wars and shunned G.I. Joe?
Some thoughts:
1) The G.I. Joe figures were maybe cooler than the Star Wars figures. Not because of their design, as such, but because of how they could move. While the Star Wars figures didn't have elbows or knees, the G.I. Joe figures had both -- did some even have rotating wrists? I think not yet. But their arms and legs could go to the side in addition to going forward, as they had shoulder and hip sockets. They were much better equipped than Star Wars figures to meet the demands of my advanced tween action figure play.
But because of that ...
2) I was overlooking a mythology that didn't mean much to me. Although I did watch the G.I. Joe cartoon and had some sense of the progression of the story over time -- I remember when Destro and Zartan came into the narrative, for example -- I didn't ultimately care about the characters the way I cared about the characters in Star Wars. It was more about the toys themselves.
So therefore ...
3) When only the mythology remains, it has to be a lot better than the G.I. Joe mythology is. Could I even tell you today what is driving any of these characters other than beating Cobra? Could I tell you anything about the personalities of any of the characters? I could not.
And also ...
4) When you come down to it, it's a property that glorifies the military. I'm not saying I don't "support our troops," but "our troops" are not something that I want to rest my fantasy dreams upon. There's something just a tad too right-wing about it to really resonate with me.
The thing is, the Hasbro and Paramount people are not stupid. In resurrecting the G.I. Joe franchise, they've concentrated on what is undoubtedly one of the most memorable characters (and coolest action figures). I might have preferred Snake Eyes' Cobra counterpart, Storm Shadow, in terms of character design, but Snake Eyes was damn cool. Every kid knew that.
Not only that, but Henry Golding is a great choice to play Snake Eyes. Coming off Crazy Rich Asians, he may be today's most marketable actor of Asian descent. He's got charisma to spare and he is handsome as fuck.
Still don't care.
Is this a betrayal of my childhood in some way? I don't think so. I think it's fair to say that the part of childhood that we feel most sentimental about ends by the time you hit double digits, and all of my G.I. Joe play was from ten onward. I suppose if I want to find a parallel in, say, my sister, she would probably not feel disappointed in herself about not giving a shit about a New Kids on the Block reunion tour. We don't have to always be proud of everything we liked when we were young.
But given that I watch almost everything that comes out, whether I have a personal history with it or not, my shunning of Snake Eyes is a real indication of how far G.I. Joe has fallen since then, or how little I feel they've done with it so far in its existence as a cinematic franchise. A judgment I'm prepared to make, apparently, with having only seen one of the three movies they've made.
My guess is that I will ultimately catch up with Snake Eyes before the end of the year, as the end of our lockdown will probably find me prioritizing other things that were supposed to have been released in the interim, like Old. And when I do, maybe I'll come back here and let you know what I think of it.
And yes, you read that correctly -- I did just say that M. Night Shyamalan is more of a priority for me than G.I. Joe.
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