Wednesday, January 19, 2022

2021 in portmanteaus

Want some 2021 movie titles mashed together to make a crazy new movie?

I figured you did! 

The Green Knight in Soho - Sir Gawain sees reflections in the mirror of the 60s pimp who is going to cut off his head in one year. 

Judas and the Black Widow - Bill O'Neal sells out Natasha Romanoff to Dreykov, regrets another ten years' worth of air traffic control issues caused by the Red Room. 

Raya and the Black Messiah - Fred Hampton uses his rousing oratorical skills to unite the kingdoms of Fang, Heart, Spine, Talon and Tail.

Ghostbusters: Afterlife of the Party - A party girl conks her head on the toilet, dies, and finds herself sharing space in a containment unit with Muncher.

Tick, Tick ... DUNE! - Time is running out for Jonathan Larsen to write a musical about Frank Herbert's seminal sci-fi novel, tentatively titled Hark! The Harkonnens or Duncan Idaho and his Merry Fremen

The Last Dune - Its box office success ensured that it would not be. 

The Power of Clifford the Big Red Dog - An oversized maroon canine gets groomed by Bronco Henry. 

Encantomorrow War - Mirabel Madrigal discovers her gift is traveling to the future to fight aliens alongside people who aren't born yet and people who have already died. 

There's Someone Inside Your House of Gucci - The leadership structure of a fashion empire crumbles when a serial killer begins killing them -- while wearing a laser-printed mask of Jared Leto's face.

Vivoyeurs - A musical kinkajou spies on the retiring singer who broke his master's heart as she takes photos of people and has sex with them.  

Red Licorice Pizza - Simon Rex offers up his lengthy endowment around the San Fernando Valley of the 1970s, calling it "my tasty ten inches of red licorice." 

Bo Burnham: In the Heights - Bo Burnham decides the best way for a white comic to change the world is to gentrify a neighborhood of primarily Latin American immigrants.

The Finch Dispatch - Having survived the apocalypse, Tom Hanks moves to France and starts a newspaper about his experiences eating fussy cuisine through a hazmat suit.

Dear Evan Shang-Chi - An ancient warrior loses all his powers when he can't fit his ten rings around the cast on his broken arm. 

Candymany Saints of Newark - If you say Dickie Moltisanti's name five times in a row, he bludgeons you to death against the nearest steering wheel.

The Matrix Reminiscence - Remember when this franchise had something interesting to offer the world?

The Matrix Remorse - What Lana Wachowski should be feeling right now. 

Chaos Walking Richard - Richard Williams gains a coaching advantage by telepathically projecting his thoughts to his daughters during their tennis matches.

Space Jam: A New Legend of the Ten Rings - Lebron James sets his sights on six more championships to reach double digits, in a Disney/Warner Brothers crossover that features all the intellectual property in the known universe.

Spider-Man: No Time to Die - Sean Connery, George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig team up to cure Dr. Julius No, Colonel Rosa Klebb, Auric Goldfinger, Emilio Largo, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Mr. Big, Francisco Scaramanga, Karl Stromberg, Hugo Drax, Aristotle Kristatos, Kamal Khan, Max Zorin, General Georgi Koskov, Franz Sanchez, Alec Trevelyan, Elliot Carver, Viktor Zokas, Gustav Graves, Le Chiffre, Dominic Greene, Raoul Silvia and Lyutsifer Safin of their desire to be villains.

Belfast and Furious 9 - Dom Toretto perishes in a fiery crash after he forgets he's supposed to be drag-racing on the other side of the road.

Passing 2 - Not only do animals try to pass themselves off as professional singers a second time, they try to pass themselves off as different animals than they actually are.

Titannette - Impregnated by a car, Marion Cotillard gives birth to a doll that can sing all the songs on the car's preset radio stations. 

Malcolm and Maud - A woman becomes possessed by the devil after her director husband fails to thank her at his film premiere. 

Venom: Let There Be Card Counters - Oscar Isaac gets backed off the blackjack table after he transforms into a toothy monster and starts eating the other players.

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